Condimental Health

I'm not a big ketchup person, so I'll eat anything called ketchup in small amounts and I don't see a big difference between brands. And If we run out, we run out. My stepson however, loves ketchup.

Anyway, I made some oven fries to go with our rib-eyes one day when he was about fifteen.  As I was setting the table, I realized there was no more ketchup.  I froze, vamped for a minute, and decided to just play it off.  If it's not on the table and I don't say anything, it won't be missed. No one's going to get up and look for additional condiments once they are sitting down.  Right?  Wrong!

My stepson said politely, "May I please have some ketchup?"  Oops. Beat. Pause. Pregnant pause.  Crap, I thought. I felt like I forgot to pass in my homework.

"Oh, sure. No problem. Be right back." I went into the kitchen, feeling like I needed to throw together a missing essay and made some ketchup.

Here's how it went: Panic. Grab tomato paste.  Open fridge and stare morosely into it in the hopes that aforementioned missing ketchup will appear.  Panic. Open cupboard. Grab garlic powder, onion powder, salt, sugar, vinegar.  Panic. Mix haphazard ingredients together in a ramekin. Taste it with my finger. Deep breath.

Ninety seconds later I returned with a cute little bowl of ketchup and set it down by his place setting. I don't remember if he liked it. But he did ask me what kind it was. And I fessed up that I made it.  Then I just remember a confused silence.

Now normally I do not recommend making homemade condiments for teenagers unless your whole family wears Birkenstocks, vacations at all-ages nudist colonies, and thinks of muesli as sugary cereal.  BUT, if you are on a diet that does not allow sugar, corn syrup, vinegar, black pepper, hard cheeses, fermented soy sauce, or eggs, you better make something to go on your food. Or you will require large amounts of antidepressants before each meal. There are a thousand and one different kinds of salt available nowadays to season your foods, but they really don't taste all that different from Morton's.

Ketchup

1/4 c tomato paste
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1/2 t onion powder
1/2 t garlic powder
1/2 t salt
1 drop plain stevia extract OR 1/2 T honey

Beat all the ingredients together with a fork and serve as if you've eaten this all your life.

Cocktail sauce

Use ketchup recipe, but use the juice of a whole lemon and add cayenne pepper to taste.  If still too thick, you can thin it with a little water.

Faux Mayo

1/4 cup plain yogurt
1 T canola or sunflower oil
Juice of 1/2 lemon
pinch of salt
pinch of cayenne

If you don't do dairy, you can substitute 1/4 cup silken tofu for the yogurt.  This is particularly good in chicken salad.

For a mustard-y flavor. Mix 1 t ground mustard and crush 1 T mustard seeds and mix them with the lemon juice before mixing up the faux mayo.

Clear Coleslaw

This makes a great "condiment" for sandwiches or wraps, as well as a great year-round side dish.  COoler than cooked dishes in the summer, and heartier than a salad in the winter.

1 small head of cabbage, red or green (not savoy) OR 1/2 large head of cabbage, finely sliced
juice of 1 lime
2 T honey
2 T canola or sunflower oil
1 t dried dill
1 t caraway seeds
1 t salt

Mix the lime, honey, oil, dill, caraway and salt.  Toss with shredded cabbage.

White Coleslaw

Alternately, you can toss 1 small head of shredded cabbage with faux mayo, mixed with 1 T honey.

Hummus

If you can't have tahini due to a sesame allergy, and you need to rotate your oils, here's an easy hummus recipe.

! can of chick peas, rinsed and drained
3 T unsweetened sunflower butter
1 garlic clove
1 T sunflower or canola oil
juice of 1 lemon
salt to taste

Run the garlic through your garlic press (minced won't cut it) and put everything in a blender or food processor.  If too thick, add oil. If to thin, add sunflower butter.

If you are on a low-carb or an anti-fungal diet, use endive leaves or celery for dipping. This is also great on sandwiches or with grilled veggies. 


Salad Dressings

You know what a Lover's Salad is, right? Lettuce alone without dressing.

Funny, but not very tasty.  Here are some ideas for dressing those naked greens.

All you need is acid, oil, and some sort of seasoning to flavor-up your salad.  When avoiding vinegar, citrus becomes the obvious choice for acid.  Coffee is a great acid for cooking meat---braising and stewing with coffee, for instance-- but I have yet to figure out how to make a decent salad dressing with it.  I'll keep you posted.  For now, you need citrus.

Lemon dressing--squeeze the juice of one lemon, add oil in a 2 to 1 ration, and add salt with whatever seasoning you like.  Just remember to let it sit for 30 minutes or so to maximize the flavor.  You can add chopped ginger, garlic, rosemary, thyme, or herbes de Provence, whatever flavor will complement your main course. Or use lime instead and put in chopped cilantro.  Use herb- or chili-infused oil and drizzle away.

White dressing--start with the faux mayo or mustard-y mayo, and thin with oil to your preferred consistency.

Hummus dressing--thin the hummus recipe above with oil until smooth and pourable.
 
These recipes are not meant to be made ahead of time. They are meant to be made the same day they are served. In small doses. The upside?  They have no preservatives. The downside?  They have no preservatives.

I sincerely hope that you don't absolutely have to avoid store-bought condiments, because it can be sort of a pain in the patooty.  But it's a hoot to whip up some ketchup at a cookout and watch the look on your guests faces.  It's a little like going to a playground in cocktail attire.  It's fun, but if you do it too much your friends will start to call you a show-off.